my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
