I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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