Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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