it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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