you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
