I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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