Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
