you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
