i need an iv and a liver transplant
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
