Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
