he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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