Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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