My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
