can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
