upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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