I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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