Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize