my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
