What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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