my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
