This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
