we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
