it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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