ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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