sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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