Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Found the puke drawer
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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