omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
