Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
