made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I will pee on everything he values.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
