Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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