i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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