$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize