Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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