don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
