Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
