plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
