allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
