if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize