I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
