The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
