I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
