We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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