can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
