You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
