Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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