I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
