haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She's the barista slut.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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