First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
