I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have post one night stand depression
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
