Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
