you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
