He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
