Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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