I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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