im about as happy as oj after his trial
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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