i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize