I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
