The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
